this is the end

...of my blog. im going to take advantage of the tab key while i have it, since it DOESNT WORK on my new blog. i do this pretty frequently (get a new blog) and im surprised this one lasted till it did. farewell, passion fruit and silver spoons, you will not be forgotten. au revoir, bon chance, goodbye.

http://smellslikelemons.blogspot.com/ is waiting for you. just click it.

goodbye

this is my last post before camp. im leaving tomorrow morning, and i just cant wait. goodbye, blog. see you in 8 weeks.

first blogging, then biking.

i was supposed to go for a bike ride, but im going to make a short post. prahn developments! bet was beaten by her father when she was thrown out of the house, so

wait, i might not have included any of this last time i posted, because this all happened when i was talking to myself. i do that when im cycling and my ipod is dead/broken beyond repair. i plotted out prahns entire life in a strange accent. maybe thats prahns accent? but anyways, i was talking for at least two hours, and i cant write it all down now. i can say that i got some weird looks, though.

just got back from my bike ride, i made up lots more prahn stuff. and some ophili, who i havent written about on here yet. lets jsut say she will be the antagonist of whatever story im including her in, and she has some odd views. they make sense, but still. weirdo.

so, ophili. shes this great character, which just adds to my suspicions that i cant write- only design these beauteous characters. i dont mean to brag, but i really love ophili, oren, prahn, bet, beta, (sort of, shes only an infant) madelenne, misa, hyatt, chise, denoire, poppy, ella, norte, olivia (all off them- i have centered lots of stories around olivia. she always seems to be mourning.), issac, alina, gina (who lived for only moments), jared and every other other character who i cannot currently name because im either too sleepy or just dont remember them because they didnt stand out. i just adore ophili and bet, though. and since bet can only live through prahn, and i really love his pocket and his signs, he can stay as well. of course, oren and olivia are always going to be at the back of my mind. olivia staying strong through her terrible grief and oren pushing and egging me on.

one more thing... college. im really early for that type of thinking, but syracuse, cornell and brandice are on my mind. hmm...

kim posted this on her blog, i just have to reply.

dear basil,

Can you ever possibly fathom the emotional power you held over Strawberry for years? You were a cruel, heartless manpulator, and you held her heart on strings. But know that she was no marionette. She did, does feel. She never was yours to toy with, and you never deserved her affection, or even her partiality. She has eyes, and she could see the ridiculing sneers you cast in her direction. She has ears, and she could hear your snide remarks. What are your eyes but items of unjust judgement. They see only skin-deep; they are not capable of seeing what lies beneath. I know that with your miniscule brain and limited imagination you think I mean her organs, but I am speaking of the passionate and brilliant writer and thinker that lies beneath. Your heart pumps blood like everyone else's, but it lacks the spark that enables kindness and this foreign and alien concept that we call love. Your brain has placed you in a math class two grades more advanced than your own, but you only see things for what they very bluntly are, not what they could become. You think you're the greatest, smartest being on the face of the Earth, but you cannot think outside of the box. Hell, you're so in the box that you must've been born in a UPS store. Don't think unkindly of her if you ever do see this letter, which I doubt because I have no intention of ever giving it to you. These are my thoughts and opinions, and if you think that thhis gives you the right to loathe me as much as you abhor her, then go right ahead. But please, cut loose her puppet strings. Just let her go.

well, kim, im not basils biggest fan. but you must be as short sighted, arrogant, unfeeling and ignorant as you make him out to be if you actually believe this. basil is a feeling, thinking being as well and you just must know that he doesnt give a damn about her. he wasnt tethering her like a puppet as you make him out to be, he was in no way her puppeteer. she liked him an awful lot, and remember it was you that ended up telling him of her affections. but her liking him was sleepys own fault, maybe you should try blaming her for all of this. how could he see past her face and friends if she was too infatuated to approach him? he couldnt get to know her, and if his friends laughed at her then how could he not? you know what peer pressure is and what it does, and he more than most has a reputation to hold up. the class clown that he is has to entertain everyone, and what better way then through the seemingly love struck outcast of a girl who would do anything to please him? basil, let me say what you did was wrong. but kim, you are not any more blameless than him, or me. as i recall, you have hurt her a lot more than him. do you think your teasing is just friendly banter to her? i know for a fact that simple jokes like yours and mine can burn for days, years, a lifetime. i remember when i was hated by everyone around me, and it hurt. i know im not blameless. i resent that. but again, we all have our reputations however small. im going to start fresh next year, and maybe basil is too. but i hope for your sake you recognize how wrong you are, and i hope also that this was for your reputation, because my first friend after two full years of spite and lonely hate wasnt such a cowardly judge.

sleepy: i know your new hate for basil is real, and you can blame me for everything ive done and every hypocritical thing ive just said, but i cant tell if your approval of kims letter is because you actually believe shes right, or because you are so blinded by her sudden support, or just the fact that she called you smart for once. but let me assure you that that coward is wrong to blame him for so much. yes, he hurt you. yes, he was cruel to you. but so is she, and one letter cant change the fact that he deserves a voice as much as heather and sara do. those girls you hate so much that are probably aching for a friend. i may not like them, but i can at least guarantee that they have me as a friend, which you and kim so blatantly refuse to give them. i doubt either of you have ever been really hated by so many people, especially you, kim. i truly hope that sleepy, kim and basil read this. i may be an outcast yet again, but i know that if you all hate me, i can join heather and sara, who are truly nice and caring girls. hey, maybe dana and nat will support me as well. they, at least, i can call my friends.

one last thing, kim: yes, basil isnt that creative, but incapable of love? the thing that makes us us? im guessing you havent seen his devotion to paula, who treats him the way he treats sleepy. paula is a very nice girl, but i dont see you writing hate letters to her or feeling sorry for basil.

this is the very last thing, addressed to everyone: dont call me a cowardly hypocrite, i already know i am.

not a lick...

...of reflecting on the last 3 years. should i be? sleepy is. im not sad, either. maybe im broken.

...of writing this weekend. i said i would, so of course there was no chance of it. shocking, right?

im going to go crack down, and try to figure out some of what i want in the story i was mumbling about last time i blogged. i like the basic idea, of course, but i need to really think about whats going to happen. i want to squeeze in this great character i came up with, prahn, but im not sure if i can. hes an assistant to the main antagonist, and completely insane. not bellatrix insane, more of a man who lost his marbles somewhere along the way. he watched his love die/killed her. her death was ordered by his employer the main antagonist, and he never got over it. as children he was completely alone and on the streets, and she was a mute neglected by her parents. the stuck together as outcasts, and made a life together. after her death, he would always keep one hand in his pocket- signing her name again and again. (she couldnt speak, so they made up a sign language together that no one else knew. he kept a picture of her with him, and he was signing to the picture.) a heart wrenching tale of undying love, right? theres a lot more to both of them, but ill save it. i think i named her bet, i know it started with a b.

im not sure i can include him. maybe he should have his own story? maybe i can give the 'mute lovers death drove him insane' role to someone else. it might fit better, because i have no idea who the antagonist that employs him is. he could be the main antagonist of the killed her sister story, conviced that they (sister and killer) murdered bet. who knows, if i think i can use him once i start writing again, hell be there.

i want a purpose. im going to go write again.

yes, i know i swore to keep up myth.

and i will, at camp. but an idea that i had a while ago keeps nagging me and one section is really begging me to write it. the story originally features time travel as a big element, and two giant corporations, but the section i want to focus on is the relationship between miss main character and mister next character. he kills her sister, she cant really do anything about it. she finds herself discovering he really is a wonderful person and possibly falls for him. im fuzzy on how she dies, but i have a basic idea on how they are lumped together and why the murder/manslaughter doesnt really matter. oh! maybe i could add that fish characteristic where they are participating in a big experiment! that could account for them being pushed together, but not the death. i need to plan this out.

i fisrt came back to this when i had this sort of daydream, but i was just poking around my subconscious for stories. i came across a pair laying on sodden earth just after a rainstorm, and mist floating on a gentle breeze. theyre fingers are interlocked, and the only light in this tiny wooded area is a sliver of moon, the night after a new moon. it is illuminating her face just enough for him to lean in and whisper, 'i didnt kill her, you know.'

i kinda started writing there, for a moment. and thats kind of how i tied that into the tt story. i dont know how they end up there, or where they go next, or why he had to protect ____ by taking the blame and her hate. just had an idea on how they got there. they are trying to get to someplace, (or are more likely fleeing another place) and are not in much of a hurry. she is still cold to him, but he can sort of sense her conflicting emotions. they take a break, and he notices that her pack (long journey, they had time to pack.) is bigger than his. he insists on switching, or taking some of her things into his bag, but she refuses. he tries to grab her bag but she snatches it away. they are wrestling, and finally collapse, exhausted. a drizzle sweeps through the trees (or it had started to rain, so they took a break under a denser patch of trees. if so, the moon is full but only a sliver reaches them. he notices the pack sizes after they set off, wrestling ensues.) and plasters their hair to their faces. they turn to face each other, and fall asleep. they wake up holding hands, and he announces the news.

so, thats chapter whatever summed up. i like it. i need to do some major plot development, but i have all of tomorrow off. and of course ill write.

i got my letter from my camp counselors today, and i think my jc is the girl i beat at a hp trivia contest when i was 10 and she was 15. thats gonna be weird, if its her. and yet again, i caught camp smell. i think im losing whats left of my mind.

O M toystory!

toy story 3: it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me really want to hang my new toy story 3 poster above my bed. i sat in a movie theater with erica for almost two hours before the movie started playing, (stupid messed up films.) and waited patiently in the very first row for the movie to start so we could go get better seats on the steps. but, as luck would have it, about 4 families decided to pack up 10 minutes before they told us when they were going to actually play the darn thing. so we got great seats for watching the action. and speaking of action...

warning, will contain spoilers. great jokes, scary villains, and it stayed true to the first two movies. this was an amazing movie, for us that saw toy story 1 in theaters and those who saw it for the first time on blu ray (big kids/adults and little kids). buzz fell for jessie all over again, twice, and was hilarious in spanish. woody and andy made some tough decisions (mainly woody, of course) and the beginning was captivating. i was hooked from the adorable pixar short until the credits. i cried at least three times, (i dont want to see my favorite characters in the world struggling and getting hurt, thank you.) and laughed like a criminal whenever woody wasnt pushing me to tears or the monkey making me avert my eyes. he was pretty terrifying, until he was covered in tape. i crossed my fingers and bit my lip when the toys were faced with a fiery death, and was touched by their love for each other and andy. this was a really great movie, and im glad i got to see it before anyone else, which was pretty exciting. and of course, such a neat and tidy ending cant result in a 4th movie to spoil it like was done to shrek. how could they add anything? thank you pixar, for yet another perfect film.

and, also, the short was just adorable. its not something you can describe, so go ahead and see it for yourself. please do, youll enjoy it.

60th post, and a long weekend.

its been a while since i last posted, so lets start with now. i won a contest to see toy story 3, 3 days early. very exciting. and since that is not the most riveting of news, and i dont want to talk about what happened on saturday, im going back to sunday.

sunday was my birthday! we went to the beach (me, nava, mum, foos, gran, and noel) and it was lots of fun. erica was invited as well, but her cousin had a graduation something that her mom wanted her to go to. but foos noel and i made lots of drip castles and went for a luxurious walk. we also took a nap on the beach, which resulted in a perfect tan for noel (typical), an awkward tan for foos on one section of her arm, and red ears for me. i mean, i could have told you that on saturday. maybe not the wavy red line on fooses bone white skin, but everything else. because that is just the kind of stuff that happens. noel is perfectly tan year round without a tanning both, and so is alex. (fyi, noel is my cousin and alex is her older sister.) but, overall, the beach was fun. then we had delicious ice cream and went home.

i dont have anything else to talk about.

to have a family

today, i saw motherly and sisterly love. honestly, i was jealous. i mean, it was so sweet and i know that i will never have that. oh, and i sort of mended the fight with my mum, by lying yet again. and of course, thats what the fight was about. a vicious cycle, i guess. but she wants to help me get ready for the dance, and im trying to indulge her.

but, new story idea! im not going to write it. im still working on Myth, and i will until at least the end of the summer, but this is something to hang onto. a kind of hunger games idea, but different. two groups of people, the killers and the dead. each killer has one perfect match, kind of like a soul mate, and these govt officials are forcing them into these two groups where they are trained to brutally kill the dead. (the people called 'the dead' are alive, but they will be all killed at age 15. their ages vary within the group) but before the killers take their tasks, they spend two months with the person they are to kill. these two people, one a dead and one a killer, are set together for their two month period. they discover that the govt is having these people all killed because there are two ancient groups who have these abilities, two are born every year. the govt figured that they could be dangerous, so they pretended it would be for entertainments sake to have them killed, when actually it was to keep them for gaining power and overthrowing the govt. then cool stuff happens, but i dont think i gave a very good description. so im sticking with Myth.

well, talking about my idea has cheered me up considerably, so ill go check my email.

six flags, land of enchantment.

well, today we went to six flags. i really dont have anything to talk about, since this is more of a

oh, wait, i just remembered that i had a row with my mum this morning. and yes, i did say row not fight. and mum not mom. i freaked out and left the house while she cried because she thinks i hate her. and really, i do. i just cant stand being around her most of the time. its trying on my patience, sanity, and health. she really cant shut up, and it drives me up the wall. i need to start writing, but i just feel so much better typing. this is aggravating.

in less interesting news, ive had three more strange scent experiences. there is something new wrong with my brain, methinks. i got a whiff of ibanas house, ericas place and something else i cant recall.

and there will be a lull in blogging. im just in one of those phases. ill start up probably in august. not sure.

its late. for a very important date?

i updated my profile picture, again. now it fits both my blogs. cherries and passion fruit flowers together, whats not to love? i also got very sentimental and wrote a sort of inside joke on two bands. one ill send to e while im at camp, and the other for me for always. they say friends are like potatoes; they die if you eat them. you've got a potato in me. so, the potatoes are from foos and the potato in me is our divine love of toy story. i should really stop changing my blog so much. ill reserve that for cherry, maybe.

im moving on. finaly.

well, todays the day. i am hereby moving all aspects of leo and card to another blog, so that they can be isolated. love4cherries.blogspot.com. but, to blogging.

i havent done any writing, school sucks, and i spend to much time in isolation. or gripping about what is wrong with me.

nuff said for today.

shrek

well, this is the longest blog break i've had in a while, which is pretty pathetic. but, to blogging. i watched shrek 4 on sunday, and i can say completely honestly that it was horrible. the characters that were important in this movie and extras in the others were drawn in completely different ways, which is driving me nuts. i mean, rumpy-stiltskin was my favorite character in the 3rd movie, and the pied piper was cute in the first, but in the 4th they were annoyingly different. and the plot didnt fit in with any of the other movies. they didnt include anyone from the 3rd, more or less, and they were cocky about selling their movie. i mean, even if it stood alone i didnt like it that much. the 'finding your true love' thing was very messed up. the first was is and as alway will be the best. and that goes for all movies, and a few books.

i havent done much writing, actually i havent done any. and every one i know is a dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden. which, of course, makes it all that much worse. and then camp. ah, camp. cant wait, even though the forced sonnet i wrote (for school; hence the 'forced') suggests otherwise. i think ill post it, even though it is vaguely terrible. i dont like sonnets.

My sole retreat, my home away from home.

I just wish Ramah was a bit cleaner.

The pool hates my hair, too much for a comb.

Though it’s better than here watching Dreamer,

Toilets clog almost every day here.

No one is quite sure what is in the meals.

Poo is left like a gift by all the deer.

Really wish I could get a better deal.

Maybe a camp without the horrid smell?

Maybe if the mold wasn’t here to stay?

Though they gave me the flu, the nurses mean well.

It’s where my friends are, but is there a way

For me to stay at Ramah with my friends

And eradicate the stench that never ends?

im sure you love it. im not saying i do, cause i dont, but ah well. i think i have to read it aloud in class tomorrow. fun.

oh, hell

kim asked leo to the dance on a dare. he said yes. shit.

for the full story, go to http://theforgottendandelion.blogspot.com/2010/06/oh-my-god-oh-my-heavens-holy-moly.html

but he said yes.

so, they are going out? i think?

maybe it'll just be the dance. i doubt it.

why did he have to say yes?

and today had been pretty decent until now. i found out on ruths blog, where she griped about being the only one going without a date. then she mentioned kim as someone who is. it was scary.

i think ill go curl up in a ball now.

the birds in my tree

have you ever stayed up until 2am and listened to the birds? the make some pretty funky noises late at night. or early morning. im really tired. i think i'll stay up for another few hours.

well, today stunk.

since there were about 40 people in the school today, they made us all sit in the one and only room with an AC, and watch the rookie. warning: do not watch this movie while operating heavy machinery, driving, or living. it is quite possibly the most generic sports movie ever, even though the baby (shown twice) is adorable. and, of course, we werent allowed to leave the room, talk, play cards, or read. i mean, why not read? im in the middle of the odyssey, which im sure is much more interesting, informing and educational than the rookie. so, i read under the table the entire time, which was very dark and gave me a headache.

as interesting as my headache woes are, i did a lot of story structure. i didnt write down a single thing, but i went for a bike ride and shouted about 2 chapters to the sky. i also got some strange looks, but thats to be expected. i have decided that my myth is slightly different, and it is actually a curse from the first castoff from either indlass or southern raise. (two countries flanking the island where my characters live) the curse-er is a woman who was banished because of an accident caused a very long time ago, which people teased her for, and she cursed them and was banished for the cursing. they all were terrified, because she was very powerful and nothing had happened to them, yet. then they all had children, and the kids had the same disease as the witch woman. she shows remorse later in life when one of the kids begs her to reverse it, and she does her best and then goes off to grieve alone. the story starts 5 generations later, when the descendants of the original cursed kids are now all living on the island where witch woman was banished to. now a proper country, the island is thriving. until the myth is brought back to life by the witches curse, who is its own being. sort of. i havent worked out how the curse being alive ties in, but the disease shows up in the 5th generation and a prophecy is made. and here the story starts.

i havent quite worked out the details, but the prophecy is something to do with one of the cursed children, the eldest and first child of the curse ruling over them all and the rest of the lands with the help of a certain ability. the one taming and teaching this eldest child will be the grand ruler of everything. this backfires on the guy trying to tame the eldest and first child of the curse, because of her ability. (each of the 8 develop a certain ability that they use above all and are master of. it is usually the first thing they learn to do.) so, thats what happens as far as i know. oh, and the children of the curse can only live twenty years, exactly. all part of the curse.

now that i have typed up almost everything i know about this story, i think it would do me good to write it down. or type it, which is more likely.

no news is depressing news.

nothing has happened. nothing will happen. i am dead to the world. i almost opened up to ruthy, sort of. sent her an email about past writings and whatnot. i think i gave e the impressing im depressed, i hope not. i dont want her to think too much about me. i mean, shes my best friend. but i dont want her worrying about me. i dont think she does.

leo i think has been ignoring me more than usual in school. no contact whatsoever. he hasnt even looked at me, far as i know. but ive caught him and kim talking, which is unsettling. i think that if she were to say to his face that he should ask me to the dance (which she said she would, for reasons unknown, yet suspected) there would be a greater chance he would ask her. this might be what she wants, after all. i know she would love to be asked by him to the dance, but would she sink so low as to involve me in it? i hope that, if he does, she tells us all at once. easier to cover up my despair until i can get home and sob. crap, i hope he asks during last class. and that that class is french, which we all have together. that way she can tell me immediately, and i only have to wait for a few minutes. or, better yet, he would ask her on the 8th grade trip and she could blog about it, that way i would not only be prepared but also i could email her say congratulations, and it would all be out of the way. or, best of all, he wont ask her. i dont think i could bare to hope for a scenario where he asks me.

now that i have sufficiently ranted about leo, the dance, and leoleoleoleoleo, i think i can talk about my story. like i said, i told ruthy about past writings. i refused to tell her about Myth, though. i would have to give it up and that would be depressing. i dont think i can give up on this one just yet. i should write now. i probably wont, but goodbye anyways.

camp smells

today while walking to lunch, i got a brief whiff of camp-smell. it was strange, and it only lasted for a moment. i stood stock still and waited for it to come again, sniffing in vain. it was odd, to say the least.

we didnt do much today. now that i think about it, other than the camp-smell, there isnt anything for me to blog about. im going to go write after this, and fix up what i have on paper. i might visit some other note-worthy blogs. i just dont know.

oh, wait! i know it is of no interest to anybody, but i saw leo and kim talking in the halls twice today, right after she wrote on her blog that he had been ignoring her. hmm... maybe theyve made up. i think ill check her blog first.

im such an idiot.

1. i have no life

2. i never will

3. i spend my time blogging

4. i will never publish anything

5. i will never even finish anything

6. i neglect my family

7. i avoid leo

8. i am self centered

9. i detest everyone whose better than me

10. i am a self hating monster

11. i will never mean anything to anyone

12. i am a bitch to my friends

13. i cant leave this list, im too depresed

14. i dont have the energy to even fucking smile

fruit

im in such a fruity mood today. i just changed my blog theme to passion fruits (and silver spoons, of course), i had only fruit for lunch, i thought a lot about cherries, chewed fruit flavored gum and had fruit flavored ice cream. today truly is fruity.

im going rock climbing with lolo again soon, cant wait. it really feels good afterwards, as in really good. my muscles feel rejuvenated. im going to prepare for the rocks, so ttfn.

june, month of fruit.

june is the month of fruit, declares me. i have decided how and where to write my myth, and it feels good. really good. there are 13 days until my birthday, 22 until camp, and 15 till school is done. this just feels great. i mean, its summertime. whats not to love, besides this persistent heat? east coast, you mock me so. i think ill move to vermont. not maine, because maine is boring. but as north as america goes. maybe washington. a very wet state, why not? huh.

so, story development. i have definite characters and names. and right now, i am going to take a vow to not start another story or quit this one until september the first, when the hogwarts express leaves. maybe ill start labeling my posts, as well. most other people do. and it woudl be useful. i could have lots of labels, and i think i will.

im pretty sad. not depressed, but my probably only chance to view JKR is sliding between my fingers. june 18th, the harry potter theme park opens. and she might be there... this is pretty sad. i believe i am entitled to feel sad right about now. but, it is a beautiful day. except for this heat. that is pretty unbearable.

i wrote this all a while ago.

She won’t leave me alone. I show her that I hate her, that I won’t ever love her. But she just. Wont. Go.

I am trapped inside a never ending circle of death. All people die, and it is not a sad thing, but when you yourself are dying every day and every hour and every second of every moment, it is truly sad. Some people do not realize this, or can’t comprehend. The person who thought, erased, edited, changed is gone. She spent her entire life on that one word, of that one moment in time, trapped forever by this page. How simple, some might think, to click the little x and watch the lives of hundreds of people be forever erased. How hopelessly complex, terribly sad. I remember the girl who made the mistakes, and the girl who fixed them. They were in the same bed in the same position under these same sheets. It will never be me who paused, never me who had those great ideas. I envy those who have a mindset different from mine. Those who aren’t just them, but have names, and a purpose, and never realize that for the trillions and trillions of deaths that they have, only one is noticed by anyone other than me. How cruel, that I must be the one to notice them, watch them die, and remember every detail of it. Yet there is no escape. If I was to put an end to it, to have my final death, the last one and to some the only one, there would be no escape. I would be nothing, and that is so much worse than to die. The one thing that stops me from cutting my own throat is the thought of nothing. So immeasurably upsetting that it will make me lower my knife. I live through these thoughts, and so did Mira, who dies always.

Tears are the cleanser of the mind. Cry to block all else out, watch another cry to dispose of your anger.

blog.

i feel like im blogging to much. probably because i cant actually talk to anyone. have you ever heard the word abligurition? it is such an unheard of word, i just love it. it is a noun, the spending of too much money on food. and john green and i are the only ones who use it. i found it in a book of his, which i really enjoyed. he has some similar traits in all his main characters, but overall it is a great book. an abundance of kathrines is the title, incase you feel like reading it. another book of his is looking for alaska, which won lots of awards and im dying to read it. the first book he wrote that i read was paper towns, a novel about a senior on high school, quentin jacobsen, who lives in orlando and enjoys the boring monotony of it. then his love and neighbor, margo roth speigleman, takes him on an adventure across the city getting back at all the people who have hurt her. he turns up at school the next morning wanting to speak to her, but she has vanished yet again. he tries desperately to find her, and discovers something about them both in the process. an overall excellent book.

ive decided to keep my book on paper. better for bringing with me, and it makes me feel like margo- never without her little black notebook. mine is a black and white pattern, but oh well. i think the pattern is called forsooth? im not sure, but the brand logo in the corner is a shining grey M, which is perfect. of course it is.

third post, and counting.

yes, this is my third post today. but, i have news on the leo front. i just spent an amazing hour at our rabbis house, just hanging out with leo, his brother, my sister, and the rabbis adorable children. i spent almost the entire time pushing the older one on his swings, and bonding with leo. he wasnt so serious and shy tonight, which was good. methinks i talk to much about him, but it really was a wonderful evening.

and the much more relevant news on my story: im not sure whether to keep it in my notebook, or type up what i have. i think ill keep in in my book, but i do have all the other failed projects on my laptop... maybe ill break both cycles. worth a shot. i will need to number the pages, though. theres no way i could ever in a million years manage to write it in order. i also got some good tips from kristin cashore, author extraordinare. her website has become my only feedback on my writing, which is probably not the best thing seeing as i cant actually contact her.

back to the whole leo thing... ha! bonding! take that, kim!

yes, i know i just posted.

well, i was bored. so i viewed my profile and clicked on the name of one of my favorite books, to see who else liked it. not only did i find a blog that is updated relatively often, but by an author my age who likes reading a lot of the same books i do. this is shockingly surprisingly amazing good luck. i commented on his newest post, and i really hope he either responds to it, or looks at my blog. if he is looking at my blog, and reading this particular post, than thank you for looking at my blog.

oh, and something i was too upset to write about on my post of 2 hours ago: i found a great new idea. i have characters, a full plot, and some good writing done already. this is really exciting me. i thought of this when i was feeling sorry for myself and my awful writing yesterday, and i remembered one of my first ideas. what if myths were true? about 10 days after i decided to write my book about all myths being true, i read the alchemist by michael scott. way to steal all my hopes and dreams, scott. and so yesterday, while thinking about that, something dawned on me. why not bring my own myth to life? make a far off and distant land. give them a myth of their own. make it real.

so, there is a land, and in the capitol city they know this myth is real, but the farther you get from that city, the less people believe in it, or even know about it. so, in a tiny village cut off from the rest of their world, a mythical being is born. i already have the myth, and almost everything else. i had a map, but one of my teachers caught me reviewing it in class and took it. that wasnt the smartest idea on my behalf, but we were watching a film about gerda wiessman klein that i had already seen twice in hebrew school. but, the point is that i might actually be able to finish this one without my depression wearing in and making me throw it away.

letter to kim, somewhat.

leo came to dinner last night, with his family. our parents are good friends, so i see him a lot outside of school. and like always, he practically ignores me during school and then is friendly and open when hes at my house. we played some games with our little siblings, and ran around while brina sat inside with the adults, as usual. everything was fun, but the two times we were alone were brief and we were both silent. it was sad.

but leo being shy and quiet is to be expected. not a big problem. a real problem is that kim asked one of our friends to ask leo if he was going to ask her to the dance without telling him she had asked, and he said maybe. apparently he ignored her for the rest of the day. so... is he extra shy because he likes her, because he was embarrassed he was asked that, scared she would know he was asked that, or something totally different. oh, and kim also thinks that they are soul mates, and that i only have a crush on him. well, kim, i have news for you. when i asked who you liked in 6th grade, i suspected frenchy or max. i really did. but then you said it was him... it was like you had punched me. you wrote it down, and handed me the paper, and i read it over and over again. i really, really hoped you werent serious and you were teasing me because you had discovered that after all, i did like someone. and that it was him. well, kimberly, it hurt to read that. i ached inside. i first met leo years and years ago. i dont even know the right word to describe how i feel about him. when he dropped plastic trains on my head in kindergarten, i was in pain, but i was elated that he had noticed me. whenever i wrote about him in my 'diary', i used the code name trains in case my parents ever found it. i hoped forever that he would not be shy around me. that he would notice me. and then, of course, you came along.

kim, you were my second ever friend who wasnt jewish. you were my first friend in middle school, where i was forever dreading that the shame and dread and every other damn thing i had to endure after private school was coming back to haunt me. i was scared, and you were my friend. for most of 6th grade, you and ruth were the only people i liked at all. and then i read what you wrote, and it was like a betrayal. i dont want you to read this, kim. i dont want to upset you, hurt you, offend you. but i hate your feelings for him. i hate you for your feelings. can you explain that? you are one of my closest friends, but i cant hold back this feeling that i need to beat you at everything. youre smarter, stronger, prettier, and you are going to get leo. you are a better person. but i hate you for everything you are. im so sorry, kim. sorry i cant tell you how i feel about anything. sorry ive... felt this way about leo forever. sorry you had to come into the picture. but kim, i honestly cannot forgive you. and im sorry for that, too. im glad it is memorial weekend, because i cannot face you for at least a week. and oh crap, i just remembered that you two are going on the music trip to hershey park together. now i need to go distract myself, because i am so terribly sorry about everything.

some folks may be a little bit smarter than i am. bigger and stronger, too.

i just watched toy story for the first time in ages! the best disney movie, by far. finding nemo and the beauty and the beast are great, also. i havent been working on my story at all, but i did have an idea on how to write it that will work for anything and everything i write. i dont have much to say, today was pretty good. ruth and i had a chat about agoraphobia (look it up) vs. anatidaephobia, which is the fear that somewhere there is a duck. and it is watching you. i feel really bad for the people who have this. its got to be horrible, being that paranoid. of course, there are wax people prowling the school, hunting me down....

i really need to start working on my string. i only have 28 days to do all four, and im kind of slacking. ive got too much crap right now. at least schools winding down, finally.

oh, and stalker boy screamed at me for being a liar during gym. it was pretty funny, actually. three people told him that covering the ball in field hockey is illegal, and he points at me only. i smirked a little, and he just glared at me. im pretty shocked that he still hasnt just dropped it, but he stares at me on a regular basis. but, i really dont have anything to say. gym was funny, school was boring, and the AC was off in half the school on the one day we need it. figures. ttfn, bloggie.

hello world.

today was very, very boring. except for LA, where we got a chance to start this extra credit activity. it dosent tie into what were learning at all, but mrs. dosent usually make any sense. we have to write a short story stemming from a prompt about what we would pack if we had to flee the country with only one small carry on sized bag. i wrote about useful things, like nonperishable foods and warm clothes. the prompt did say we had to flee on foot and not be spotted, so that works, i guess. i also threw in this little shell that i have- a gift from ilana- that reminds me of her and e. seeing as they are the only people i can open up to at all...

and i did some very very minor story development. very minor, so i wont bother mentioning it. just some character stuff. names. i didnt even write it down.

i also went rock climbing, it was womens night at the place so me and lolo got in half price. it was awesome, even though i discovered my nemesis. it is a Caribeaner. i dont think that is spelled right, and i think they can also be called lobster claws. it was a defect, and it bothered me. we talked a lot, about fun stuff. im done writing. so, ttfn, bloggie!

livejournal woes.

i just tested livejournal, to see if it is any good. you cant even tab. seriously, livejournal? there is no way i could ever survive there, so im now devoting all my blogging powers to this blog right here, and to getting followers. i would like to know there is someone out there who cares.

now, story updates: i thought of another greatly possible nom de plume, maddy bowright. and ive decided i want to write something for teens and adults alike, and something i can relate to this time. a young girl who is family-less. her best friend has a large, loving family and she cant take it anymore. she cracks, and someone enters her life to help her fix things and bring together a new life for her, this time with love instead of bitter hate. her friend needs to tie in somehow, and i need more plot and character development. hmm...

i miss camp. only 30 days, but i just cant stand it. i really need a break from all this shit that they call my life. ughh. and speaking of horribly depressing subjects...

suicide. im going to be frank about this, yesterday i became... overly curious about what happens after. nothing actually happened, but there was this surging feeling that i needed to know what would happen to me. i want control over my life, and that is one way to attain it, sort of. it was scary. im not scared of death, in anyway. i would jump in front of a gun to save just about anyone, because i know most people dont want to die. i mean, i dont want to die, but its going to happen. we all have to face it eventually, and im not bothered by that. it will happen, and i dont want to die on life support totally alone at age ninety, or make someone i love choose to pull the plug. i dont want hospice, or tons of doctors trying tirelessly. just death, and to be remembered.

lets get off that topic. im tired. so, so tired. i feel like im melting away into the oblivion of the empty surrounding me, my heart. my poor dearest heart. thak you, heart, for carrying this burden. i am eternally in your debt.

kill me now. right. now.

i am so incredibly screwed. i posted my last post on the blog reserved for my school friends. here is what i posted there:

i have a new book to add to my top 20. its verdi, by janell cannon. she also wrote the better known stellaluna. verdi is about a little yellow snake who dosent want to be a big boring green snake. the illustrations are beautiful. and there are good messages in it. like pay attention to whats around you, appreciate everyone, be patient... and dont launch yourself out of trees. thats a good lesson, no?

but anyways... i think im going to give up on fish. to much planning, not enough writing. i know that planning is good... but i need one page for writing. and nothing else to interupt me. maybe ill unplug the router for a day... that would drive my mum crazy, but i would get some writing in. i do have another story idea. i need to change it because it sounds like the hunger games and has very little plot, but ive got some decent characters this time. three mothers, one devoted one traumatized and one superfluous. but they arent the focal point, just some backround people. the devoted mother is very important, her name is elle. but the main focus is on another character, ava, and elles son norte. theres some execution stuff, also. and avas mother is shot.

but anyways. who needs details when youve got an awesome map? i drew this detailed map of their home, and it looks good. i dont have anything else to say here, besides tomorrow i get to meet up with ilana, my bestest camp friend eva!

ttfn, bloggies!

crap. this is horrible. what they know about me is that i 'dont' write, but i read over ruthy's stuff, and edit it. and i just gave them my newest idea. shit.

ah well, at least it wasnt the post about how i hate them all.

well, i dont hate them. not at all. but, like the rest of my horrid life, it is all false. im false in front of my mum, my 'friends', and every other person in the world. crap-o.

so, now what i was planning on saying when i logged on today:

First, my thoughts. I could feel every tear running down my face. I can’t describe the horror of having to talk about everything. She didn’t let me leave. But the tears ran freely.

When I was there, I felt this… this thing. I can’t describe it. But I could feel that there was love between them, and it was so open, so beautiful. They loved each other. They do still. And, for a brief moment, I remembered what it was like to have a place where there is love. A place where you can be happy, and be taken care of by those who love each other. I have never had that, really. There have been illusions. Camp, their home. Shul. Mainly camp. There is just an aura of ‘we love each other’. It sounds cheesy, but it’s there. I know it.

That is what I felt with Ilana. It was beautiful, and wonderful. I want to have that. I would give anything- everything. Just to have that. I hate this trapped feeling. I can’t escape it.

When I was sitting there. Just sitting there. I felt this surge of love to Ilana, coming from her mother. I felt a sharp pain in my chest, and then empty. I could feel the hole beating, pumping like a heart. But it was empty. I cried, because I knew what would fill that hole was right in front of me. I wanted what they had. I wanted someone to be caring towards me. Forever.

I had forgotten what family meant, and I know that buried in the deepest folds of my subconscious that I will never, ever have what they have. But I will have something, oh yes. I will have myself, balled up and hidden alongside my secret knowledge. I will never be accepted into another’s family, and I will never have the pure willpower to create my own. I will live, die, sleep. Alone. I will always be alone.

lovely, isnt it? i wrote that on word just before i logged on. i spent the weekend at ilanas house, came home, and had a nice long chat with my mum about my depression. i had to, and then i had to go back and rewrite it so that it would be legible. i wrote it while sobbing hysterically.

so, now i will talk about right now. ruthy i think is the only one that read the other entry before i deleted it. i hope so. she actually approached me and asked about it, i told her i had no idea what she was talking about. i thought i had put it on this blog, and she would be mighty pissed if she had found this one, so i forgot about it. until now, when i checked that blog.

but, im not going to carry out the idea i was posting about then. while i came up with some awesome names, that isnt enough. im going to write something containing ava, a young girl who has no one but this one friend, who has a loving family. i think the friend will be poppy. and it will be written by mira ann dowe herself! yes, mira will imerge from the depths of me and rise to be the writer she can become! i have faith in you, mira. you can do this if you set your mind to it.

mira, by the way, im putting my life in your hands. do the right thing and write a book.

let me melt away

i feel like doing what the elphaba did in wicked. just melting away, playing on peoples fears until all believe you to be dead and gone. then running off with the light of your life.i just cant stand the world right now. not one bit. i mean, there is no originality. i had an idea for a story, something not exactly original but not as overused as the avatar plot. cameron, i know youre not reading this, but come on. avatar was great, but are you really low enough to use one of those plots so excruciatingly familiar that we want to watch? come on.

so, heres what i wrote:

“Just listen. I glance around the room, and my eyes fall on Sarah. Light, flighty Sarah. Best friend of my best friend. Ilana had told me that we were her two closest friends. How could she deal with the deaths of her two closest friends? I think I know who is going to live today.

“I know who will go. Now, please, don’t interrupt. If you will just listen-“but the crowd rises above me. Together, united for the first time against a common goal. Me.

“No! Please, I'm trying to help…” the crowd pushes me down, suffocating me. Scream after scream pummel my ears. I try to close my mouth, but sweaty, frightened bodies are pouring in on me. Clogging me. Stopping me. An ear breaking shriek and I leap up. Or, at least, try to. My nails are cutting into any flesh I can grab hold of. I try to locate Sarah, she has to live. For Ilanas sake. I cry out to her, in the midst of skin and naked flesh.

“SARAH! HELP… ILANA!” I lock onto her eyes; try to force her to understand. Why can’t she run? Save herself? She runs into the throng of people, and straight at me. She must have misunderstood. I feel an even tighter feeling than the mass of bodies, wrapping long slender fingers around my neck. I feel nails on my chin. I try to speak, but she has cut off my air. I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I can’t hear… all my senses are overcome by Sarah. Is this what it is to die? To be cut off from my rain, my cold, my clarity? My friends? I can’t feel the answer, but I can feel the sweaty bodies rising off me. No… they are still. It is my sinking that I feel. Sinking down, in a simple pine tree… but it is not a pine tree. This tree is dead. And the smooth feeling is encasing me, and I join my pine. Locked away from Sarah, simply floating on the waves.

this is only part of it. there was this whole senario... but its about 3 pages long on word. so, i bid you farewell on this light, flighty day.

But whilst I sleep, I ponder

I shall be gone and I shall sleep beneath your toes. But whilst I sleep, I ponder-

shall my sacrifice be for naught?

part of something i am writing... but what? i shall not tell you. its from the fish story. (alina, issac and there is now a complicated half formulated love pentagon-ish.) and thats pretty much it. i dont feel like blogging, much.

today while riding my bike, i got this feeling of weakness. not phisically, but like i couldnt find the strength to get back up. it was scary. im going to go now, bloggies. have fun, be safe, stay away from scary people... ttfn.

i am highly amused.

well, earlier i posted a comment on sleepys blog, on an entry about religion. i posted it under the name nora. well, im glad i did. if i had posted it with my name, she might have left a responding comment saying she dosent really care. however, she wrote an entire entry about how she hates nora. it was awesome. i think ill tell her it was me, and that i just did that to bother her, to see what her reaction was. i think ill get a good laugh out of it. and also, she has never bothered me about my lack of puncuation and capitalization whilst typing. but she ranted about it a lot, probably two paragraphs, and pointed out the exact location of the shift and apostrophe keys, and explained them to me. if she had paid any attention to my comment, she would have realized who it was who posted it. it was awesome. maybe she will devote another post to me...? dare i get my hopes up...?

anyways, i saw iron man 2. it was pretty good, but there were to many sides. and the secret organization thing was stupid. but alas, im going to go do something else now. probably read. i dont know. maybe contemplate telling sleepy. no, i wont. because i will wait until she is good and pissed off at 'nora'. then i will tell her i just wanted her to make a fool out of herself. she might hate me for about a minute after that. ttfn, bloggies!

shul

today, during shul, rabbi arnowitz mentioned something about 'is darkness really darkness or is it only an absence of light?' i really liked that. made me think a lot about various things. oh, and more about rabbi arnowitz... hes leaving our shul, but this has been known for a while. the funny thing is, he gets to pick his successor along with the hazzan and rabbi krupnic, and the man they picked is the same age rabbi arnowitz was when he came, he has a wife named tami (also the name of rabbi arnowitzes wife), a daughter the same age as rabbi arnowitzes younger son, and his name is rabbi arnow. its weird. oh, and tami is due (tami arnowitz, not arnow. and shes pregnant) on my birthday! rabbi arnowitz is very excited, because my birthday is 6/13, the number of commandments. a very jewish birthday.

so now that i have updated you on the life of my rabbi, i will talk about what im doing, which will be just as interesting. probably the reason no one reads my blog anyways. well, its saturday, so im probably going to be updating my blog again tonight. maybe ill even do a bit of writing...? i hope so. i can never tell when im in a writing mood. i cant write here, of course, because that would be odd. not odd, really, but i just cant write here. i love this place too much. (does that make sense?) so, now that im blogging, i need to read sleepys blog, and cashores, and possibly laini taylors. i dont know. and of course ashers. goodbye, bloggie. ttfn.

schizophrenic. you can spell it too.

gah, im freaking out. sleepy is a great writer, i wont even get to her standards, and my mom the english teacher freaking reveres her! im having slight writers block (as always.) and i cant read anything right now because when i try i get bogged down in the 'fuckiwillneverreachmygoalsbecauseevryoneisbetterthanmeateverythingomgsleepywillget published andiwontomgsavemejkrowlingineedyourcharacterdevelopmentandproseabilitesbecauseiwill neverbeknow knowbyanyoneandimfreakingschizophrenicandimjustsomestupidlittlegirlwhowillneverdoanything andiwillbeforgottenassoonasiamdeadhelpmehelpmeineedhelpfastbecauseiwanttooutwritesleepyi hopesheendsuponafreakingsummerreadinglist. ohnowidontthatwashorribleofmetosayalliwantistomakesomelittlereadergirlhappybut

I NEVER WILL!'s

i go through this quite often. everytime i read a well written book, i practically hyperventilate. this is going to kill me. anne frank once said something along the lines of 'i want to make peoples lives better, i want to amuse people with my writing.' hang on, ill look up the quote.

i didnt find it. but, it was something like that. she wanted to be a famous journalist. what a coincidence that she became famous for her journal.

"I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence." spoken by v himself. i was trying to find a different quote, something along the lines of 'there are no coincedences, deliah. only the illusion of coincidence." i need to watch that movie again.

ahhhhhh.

ugh. today was really a good day. i had a nice time at shul, and then i had a good lunch. blah blah, went to a waterpark, blah blah. fred (who is now sleepy) k, leo, shard and monkey were there. monkey asked shard to the dance, which was great. and then k, who likes tleo possibly as much as i do, told me that she was going to tell leo to ask me to the dance. i mean, she is a really nice person, but WHY??? i really need to figure this out. i doubt it was out of the goodness of her heart. i highly doubt that. no offense to k, but she is a scheme-er, and she will have a reason. she most likely wants leo to ask her, so why tell me she is planing on telling leo to ask me? it just dosent make sense. however, lets make this clear: i would die of happiness if leo actually asked me. really. im going anyway, but it would just be so wonderful if he were to ask me.

i also completely ended my conversing with stalker boy, which sleepy is proud of me for. i feel kind of bad, though. i was in a bad mood, so i really let him have it. you know, i might just apologize. maybe. sleepy would kill me if she found out, but he dosent deserve what i said. and im in a very vulnerable mood. talking about leo has really made me pretty happy, so i think i will.

well, i apologized. crap.

anyways, i havent been doing much writing. i really want to get going with the fish story, but im just not inspired. i was earlier, but not now. crap.

so, im going to go now, and hope that stalker doesnt reply. au revoir, bloggies.

Alina, queen of the lonely

i just wrote some stuff. not adding to where i am, but i wrote out the scene where she picks a name. i think i will write the scene where she helps him find a name next. you know, chronological order.i want to listen to some music. if i had any itunes money, i would but tchaikovskys seranade for strings and play it on a loop. i would also but viva la vida. and all but my life. (which is not a song, its an audio book. i want to read it pretty badly. yes, i do listen to audio books). and if i had unlimited money, i would buy the hunger games on audio and fire on audio and the entire HP collection on audio. and then every green day album ever, along with every foo fighters album and some lily allen, maybe. and that song fred keeps talking about. and the album fly. and the alchemist series on audio. and then i would buy a new ipod. the newest nano, and it must be orange. and i would buy 3 pairs of really great ear buds and headphones. one head phones, one earbuds, and one of the ones that loop around your ears but affect you in the same way headphones do. i like those best. and after i bout all that, i would come back here to my blog and stop talking about how i wished i had more money to burn. but i dont. im going to go out side now, which reminds me. i went for a bike ride at the unholy hour of 10 o'clock (NO ONE should have to wake up before 2 on a sunday) because my acursed sister woke me up on her way to wherever. it was boiling, but when i went again about 4 hours later, it was even hotter, which i had not deemed possible. it was fun though, because i rode down i giant hill in the shade. i wish i lived at the top of that hill, so i was more motivated to go up once i zoomed down. but alas, i live at the bottom. ttfn, i think i will go breathe un-stale air for a little while. seeya.

yes, i know.

while i only posted a few hours ago, i just need to say this:

well, i needed a piece of music for my book, and i wanted something that shone. so, i poked around and came across a list of composers. the really good ones, like mozart, beethoven, bach, and- the man i eventually picked- tchaikovsky. i originally looked at him because he wrote the song featured in one of my favorite movies of all time, v for vendetta. i scrolled through some of his music on youtube, and i found his serenade for strings. usually i dont exactly appreciate string music, but this is beautifully written and it can be played on other instruments.there is a bit of a gap in the middle, but it only spans a few seconds. it is quite perfect for my purposes. and, as a past pianist, (sort of...)i just must type as if i am playing the piano. a grand piano, made of an almost black wood, polished to perfection. i can just see it now, moving my shoulders in that pianist way... and now the song is over. i was listening to it just now, fyi. the end is great, a tiny flourish and nothing more. same with the beginning, just a tiny little start up, but then again it doesnt just start. i started it again. i think i need to buy this song, and put it on a playlist over and over and over to listen to whilst im writing. thatd be nice. mm, and theres that little pause. just wonderful, you really need to listen to it. really. well, ttfn, and enjoy my rare and brief musical posts.

xkcd

is an awesome site. alot of computer terms im not familiar with, but the others are funny. this is an online comic site, by the way. xkcd.com. its awesome, and this is not advertising, because no one reads my blog anyways.

i havent worked on my story in a while, but ive decided to start at the beginning this time. i have a small excerpt from the middle-ish, and about a fifth of chapter one so far. ah well. better than nothing. juxtapose is my new favorite word.

i dont have much to say, i was in this blogging groove where i posted every day, but that is over and done with. i think i might actually write now. i dont know, probably not.

im back. i stopped to open my writing, thinking that i was going to maybe post the first few sentences, but then i remebered, i started at the second paragraph. no awesome lead yet... im gonna go find some advice. seeya.

i need a hobbie. other than words.

yes, i type up my story. yes, i read. yes, i listen to audiobooks. yes, i go to school. no, there is nothing else in my life. besides you of course, my bloggie buddy. and e. and stalker boy. did i rant about him on my blog yet? i dont think i did, so here goes:

stalker boy follows me around during school. he tries to be less creepy around me, and fails. he scares the living daylights out of most normal people. he is a bitch to all my friends. he thinks i like him. he likes me, if you know what i mean. he tried to buy me an early birthday present last month. did i mention my b-day is mid june?? this kid is seriously screwed up. really. and i cant let him know hes a creeper because he might sneak into my house and stab me to death. probably not, but still. its possible. kinda. i guess not. but im gonna show you the first section of my story. is it a good hook??

no, im not. im just to tired, and its alot that i have for the beginning and i cant shorten it. so, gbye bloggie. ttfn.

the smell of bleeding grass

well, its raining. it rained yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. it smells like freshly mown grass, or a sunstorm. and i love that smell. a few nights ago, my mum had a council meeting. i had to go, and do you know how i spent my time? i waltzed around outside, in the rain, for 3 hours. that smell shall never tire me. i promise, if i were to smell one thing and only one thing for the rest of my life, it would be the smell of bleeding grass. the beautiful uncut hair of graves. (whitman quote, from song of myself. i adore that line.) and the hair of graves smelt of rain, and peace, and petals fluttering in the scented breeze. i like that line. i must use it again. i just copied it into word, where it rests above my W.I.P. to-be. yes, what i have cannot even be considered a work in progress yet. i do have a good, solid character, though. i like her. she is shy-er than me, and motherly, and she is fearful of the people swirling in her midst. she is also agoraphobic. look it up. this girls name is Alina, which is a dutch name meaning alone. it suits her very well. she also has two friends so far, isaac and aidan. isaac is friend by default, and aidan is a little boy who she was charged with taking care of. kinda. she kidnapped aidan, because he would have had to endure a horrid circumstance that would further traumatize him. she and isaac took him together, and they rented an apartment together to care for him. isaac helps alina lessen her fears, and they unite to protect aidan. dont steal my story. please. i just turned brief details about one partially developed character into the second half of my plot. the first is where alina discovers her friend by default. and this is where i end, bloggies. i appreciate your reading, even though there is no one to read my writings. yet. i will get published. i will share my works with the world. but, for now, i am content to let my ambitions slide by the way side as i write the story you are destined to read. ttfn.

ok. im going to do this.

so... i think im going to actually finish this new idea. or at least, get farther into it than i have with anything else. well, i will try. have you ever tried passion fruit? it may look like vomited up intestines, but it is amazingly delicious. really. try one. and also horned melons. slimy... yet satisfying. recognize the line? its from the lion king.

guah. i also got alot of great advice from a few published authors. i think i may actually have a chance, once i have developed my characters a bit. and fixed up my plot. i think what i have is pretty good though. heres an excerpt:

Their feet echoed, loud and ominous, as the timorous duo set off down the stark white hall. The tiny black book was clutched in her hand. She could feel the blood pumping through her hands. He followed, a short distance behind her. Two sets of eyes darted back and forth, like and undying pendulum. Look to the left. Step. Step. Look to the right. Step. Step. She shuddered. Why couldn’t she have stayed in her nice, placid area? A set of giant, heavy shapes blossomed into view ahead. Every angle sharp and focused, just like everything she had ever seen. The flat, dependable floors and walls surrounding her. The only uncertainty in her life had been him. They unreachable boy. And now, even the uncertainty had been altered. He was there. She had felt him brush against her arm moments after the collapse. The rectangles were there, within reaching distance. He was now level with her, both starring at the door. She noted his height. He was taller than she. This puzzled her, more than the shape was. After all, that was just a few lines. He reached out, and laid a hand on the expanse of white. It creaked. They both gasped, but not at the noise. Something, something completely unknown and unfamiliar shone through. It sparkled and glistened, and mesmerized them. There was nothing to break the silence except this. She reached out to touch it, to ensure that it was real. She hesitated before touching it. Could it harm her? Gradually, bit by bit, her hand extended. The barest tip of her middle finger brushed the substance. She was prepared to pull back, but it was so… warm. This picture was changing the color of her hand, and dancing atop her palms. When he was sure that it was doing no damage to her, he reached his hands out, too. Miscalculating the distance, his fingers nudged the wall, and more of it leaked out. There was now a visible gap in the wall. Wearily, she pushed her littlest finger into the gap. She could feel the ice cold stiffness of the lines, and a contrasting soft of the unknown. The finger had disappeared behind the lines. So, there must be something back there to touch? She pulled the finger back towards her, and the lines came with. He gasped, and leapt back. A wonderland greeted them.

Clad in white tunics, a couple treaded from the hard white marble hall to the softly stirring green. They were both shocked at the touch of it. Bare footed fellows stepped through the lines that had held them their entire lives. He immediately stopped to warm himself in the glow emanating from what seemed to be everything, but she walked on. The sky was a vast, immense iron grey. The trees that surrounded everything were glowing a vivid green. The color sparked something inside her. Birds sung and dived as she flung out her arms to greet the first day.

thats when they are leaving the container. the black book is a journal that she had been keeping. well, goodbye. im going to go type somthing, and reread my advice. i didnt finish reading it, i just copied it onto a microsoft document to read later. theres probably 6 pages? some from laini taylor and some from kristin cashore. ttfn, mes amis.

i think i lost me

well well well, wasnt today a fiasco? my mum didnt wake me up, then my alarm didnt go off... guess who woke up to "WHERE ARE YOU?!?! YOU BETTER BE HERE!!". and after waking up to screams at 11:30, guess who skipped breakfast and lunch? then i managed to miss the two better classes. and i havent written at all today, but i do have a new 'laptop curfew' as if that will change anything at all. i have half an hour, not enough time to write anything substantial, and im also having second thoughts on the story im writing. but i did have another idea... two people in some situation where they couldnt talk to each other, or anyone, but they could see each other and sort of communicate. and i bet you'll never guess where i got the idea. fish. my sister has two fish in different bowls, and i was thinking to myself, what are they like? do the interact at all? this is also where (im guessing) the author of 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs' got his idea. the original book, mind you. i mean, food falling from the sky? on a schedule? providing all food sources? it just screams fish food. what does juxtapose mean? ttfn, writing buddies. and dont steal my idea, i really like this one.

this can be done

i just read my last post. i was kinda pissed off, dont you think? but now im not. come to think of it, i cant really tell what mood im in. and im not curious about what mod im in. is that bad? so anyways, i started the actual writing of my novel-to-be, and its not bad. and i think i will use a nom de plume if i get published. my name is just kind of un-author-ish. i was thinking somthing along the lines of Mira Ann Dowe. on the book it would be written as Mira A. Dowe. Maybe, i dont know. the W is silent, so its pronounced like doe the deer. Mira will be an author extraordinare who loves her two jobs (writing and a psychologist) but hates publicity and is a bit of a hermit. she is a great skier, and she has a husband, 4 year old kid, and happy dog. mira is more or less who i want to be in 10 years, give or take. more like 15. yes, mira ann dowe and her thrilling books that are always on the top shelf because clever me chose a pen name with an early first initial. speaking of initials, hers are MAD. oh yeah, and she'll live in boston. or a big stone house in vermont.
now that i have described my dream girl, (do NOT steal that name. i did a lot of research on various sites claiming no one has that name, dont screw it up for me. and now... found a song i like. im not sure if it is making fun of teens everywhere or supporting them, but i like it. im thinking it depends on your mood, age and overall life. for example i found it after my last entry, and definately could relate. but now... the basice point of the song is to say that i have suffered and no one can compare to what im going through. maybe they knew it would be an aide to teens everywhere. and the song is... welcome to my life by simple plan. the music and lyrics flow really nicely, and the main singers voice isnt too shabby. ttfn, bloggies

i will triumph, i will conquer.

well, im in a bad mood. my b***h of a mother has yet again made dinner. why cant she just stay out of the kitchen? it seems to be that all my problems stem from her. im constantly hungry because she wont buy food/make anything edible. im bad at math because missy math teacher (mum) and my actual math teacher are to stuck up and idiotic to teach. i feel bad for my mum's students, as well. i have no clothes, because she wont get a washing machine that works. i cant breathe because i must avoid her by being shut up in my room all day long. i cant think because she is constantly pissing me off. i cant be nice to my sister because her house scares me. i cant escape, because i cant figure out the exact turns to get to my house from hers, and im scared of riding my bike on the highway. (this is her fault). i cant stay at my house all week long, because she had to go and get custody of me and my sister. i hate her so horribly much. she is vile and cruel and sickening and i cant find the right words to describe the bitch that makes my life hell.
yet through this, i will survive and thrive. i told you what my story is about, and i will shine my hate through in the form of misa's hate for jared even though she must do some of the things he says because she is currently dependent on him. but not for long, because she has a plan. im not sure how i can channel my emotions into her forgiving him, though. maybe my feelings about e? the friend who you love but cant trust? nah, because she likes jared in a different way. but i do love e, so so much. she helps me get through the wrath of mum. and she supports me silently in every endeavor. thanks, e, for everything you have ever done. you cant imagine how much i depend on you, and those thursdays when i can see you yet again. i love you like harry loves ron, like fred loves george, like max loves lisel, like misa loves chise. i want to talk to you so badly, i need a hug. i need to know you love me too.

attention span of a goldfish, i kid you not

well, fred wants to abandon the would-have-been novel. her attention span could not have been any more than that of the animal with a 4 second memory span. i dont want to complete it alone because it was her story and she'd be pissed, and also i would probably restart the entire thing if it was mine alone. change the names and narrator, definitely. i couldnt write a book in first person from the perspective of someone i cant relate to. i think fred can relate to emma, but not uglyname (i refuse to say the name she picked for the main character, its horrible). and since uglyname is narrating... i dont know. i didnt really think we could finish it anyways, but it was worth a shot. i did really like uglyface's character, even though the plot would have to be pretty similar to get the qualities that i like in him to show, if i were to use him again. that said, im going to tell you about the idea im currently working on.
a girl whose only true friend is her sister witnesses her (the sisters) death, and chases down the murderer, only to find that he was lied to and told that she committed some crime against him in the future, and he went back in time to prevent it. he now has to take her along, because she knows he is from the future (only 8 years, though). they face some trials that i will not reveal, and face a devastating ending that i have not decided on. there are many options, but i have never been one for happy endings. a harry potter end is what im aiming for, (overall they have won, but with heavy casualties and despair) because a 'perfect' ending is corny and boring, but a tragedy and loss of the main goal is just annoying. JKR got it right, unlike most authors. i hope i follow and get it right, as well.

and dont steal my ideas.

i congratulate myself.

well, i did it. last night i had a sleepover with k and fred, and i told them i like leo. k and i had a big heart-to-heart talk. it was great, and i sort vaguely mentioned that i like writing, and that i am working on something other than the book im co-authoring with fred, but it was so brief neither caught on. however, i also have i new favorite song. its a great friendship story, called goodbye, earl by the dixie chicks. it seems like its not about friendship, but it really is. its also about murder, but mostly friendship. i still haven't told e anything, mostly because shes not that great of a confident. ttfn, bloggies.

two happy-making events!

yay! on my last post i talked about depressing stuff, but not this time! first thing: im going to attempt to co-author a book with fred! she started it, sent it to me to read, i added some stuff to make it better, and now we have a good 19 pages! we are emailing it back and forth, each adding and editing every time we get it back. however, i also am going to try to bring back an idea of mine from awhile ago, and work on that if the fred novel falls through. fred came up with the idea, its about a guy who is immortal and is on this mission for his superiors, who he calls the heads. while studying human nature, he falls for one of the people he is examining and... we haven't gotten to far, but we have the basic plot and some ending ideas. i want the end to be her dying, and him having too choose between immortality and living with his fallen love for eternity, or death. he is a coward, and the epilogue is him choosing death. fred, on the other hand, wants to kill off the narrator, the immortal kid. she thinks we can pull off killing the narrator. i think she's being an idiot. you just cant kill the narrator, unless it is in the very beginning, like the lovely bones. only scenario where the narrator can die. she has consented to changing this ending, but will not kill emma, the girl. she also insists in making them all have no character flaws, which is a sign of weak writing in my opinion. she night consent to him being selfish and cowardly as long as it is directly vital to the plot. now im not as happy, because im reliving the huge argument we had about ending the book. tomorrow we will probably continue... oh well. at least i get to write.

ughh.

i just read k's blog, the one who likes leo, to. this made me depressed in two ways.
1: she thinks that they are getting closer. for her sake, i hope its true, but for mine. well i really dont know what i want or what i think.
2: she shares this blog with another friend ( her name is now fred.)and those to are absolute opposites in every way. go to sumandwin.blogspot.com if you dont believe me, just read the side bar. k is logical, smart, and clever whereas fred is confusing, artistic, and determined. sometimes. so this makes me depressed because i have no opposite. i dont know who i am, what im like, what i like, i dont have any hobbies, i keep to myself, the things i used to like are ever slowly dripping away from me... and i like to write. but of course, im not open about it because im not open about anything. i ball up my emotions and hide them away where they cant be seen and then fake my life. everything i do at school is fake and stupid. even e, my best friend, dosent know i write anything, and she is the closest anyone has ever gotten to me. that said, she barely knows me, which is #3. my best friend in the world is someone who i cant open up to. those life is good shirts are wrong. life is too hectic and emotional and confusing to ever be just plain good. the world dosent work that way, and neither do i. i need a shirt that says 'life is to darn confusing to describe on a tee-shirt'. will some one make that for me?

greetings to the web.

hello, i just wrote a letter! well, i typed it. and emailed it. and it was long. i think ill put it here, just for the heck of it. i mean, no one reads this anyways. warning: if you have not read the entire HJP series, dont read this. (i hope you can guess who this is to now...hint, she's famous. you'd have to be completely cut off from all media other than my blog not to recognize who it is. and the recipient is...)

Ms. Rowling,

I’m guessing that you have gotten trillions of emails from fans, and that you cannot respond. Even a generic response would be welcome, however. I am a huge fan of yours and of your books, and I am an aspiring author. I would like some clarification, though. In deathly hallows, when Ron runs into the snatchers, his wand is grabbed, but then he stuns a snatcher and grabs his wand. He then leaves, and somehow has both his and another wand. What happened there? the first time I read your book, I read and reread this passage several times, and after I bought the audio book I listened to it to see if Jim Dale could put an emphasis on something that I had not picked up on. However, he read it the same way I did. What was happening there? And in case you were wondering, the only other fault I could find was on your website. I think Lily Luna is a ridiculous name. I kind of feel bad for her, or I would if her character was more developed like Harry. He is one of my best friends.
You are an amazing, and highly talented writer, do you have any tips? Many of my friends believe I should become an editor (and I have edited some short stories non-professionally) but I would like to create my own worlds, as you have done. My reading career started when I switched from single chapter paperbacks to harry potter in kindergarten, and you have inspired me to become an author. I would cherish anything you can give to me, whether it is advice on where to write or what to eat before writing. I don’t care, anything will do. If I can make a reader cry the way I did when Harry marched to his death, then it is a success.
I love your works, your website and your plot, which absolutely shocked me. I truly believed that harry would die trying to defeat Voldemort (neither can live) and then Neville would finish him off (while the other survives). Snape’s love made me cry, along with the death of, but not limited to: Cedric (when his parents talk to Harry), Sirius (Lupin holding harry back was devastating), Dumbledore (the 'im not scared, I’m with you' had me bawling, and as soon as I was ready to pick the book up again, Albus died. that really wasn’t fair), Hedwig, Hagrid (I know he didn’t die, but when there was the possibility, I was terrified. Hagrid and Snape are the best characters, I really love them), mad-eye, Pettigrew, Fred (I felt so horrible for George, and the scene where the Weasley's are around him didn’t help), Remus and Tonks (again, I felt sorry for Teddy, and then I saw the connection between Harry and Sirius, which reassured my belief that Harry would die), Colin (just a little weepy, maybe an aftermath of you making me bawl?) and then I burst into tears when Harry was walking to his death. I actually dropped the book when he saw Ginny and Neville, it was impossibly sad. Of course, I need to add that I do not cry. I had not cried over anyone until Cedric died, and I was shocked that I cried then. Your characters are more real to me than some of my real family, which I can promise to you.
Thank you so much for both reading my letter, writing your series and thanks in advance for replying with that advice.

Your always loyal reader,
Maia Silver

PS. I heard on mugglenet that you are working on something not Potter related. Can you confirm this? and possibly give me a rough date of the publishing? If I could, I would have the “not too distant future” marked on my calendar. I truly wish I could have been at the white house this Easter, I might’ve died. Thank you again, and let me say very quickly that the tales of beetle the bard were wonderful. I liked ‘the fountain of fair fortune’ the best. And it teaches a good lesson, which I'm sure is a good quality in a children’s book. I hold this story in higher esteem than many books I’ve read. Thank you so much for reading my ramblings. Enjoy writing anything new that may be coming, I can’t wait to read it.

PS. Again: are there any books you’ve read that you really enjoyed? I need something new to read, and you are famous when it comes to books. Thank you profusely.


and that was my letter. as you can guess, it took a long time to write. longer than i would have liked, but still. if she reads it, its worth it. ttfn!