goodbye

this is my last post before camp. im leaving tomorrow morning, and i just cant wait. goodbye, blog. see you in 8 weeks.

first blogging, then biking.

i was supposed to go for a bike ride, but im going to make a short post. prahn developments! bet was beaten by her father when she was thrown out of the house, so

wait, i might not have included any of this last time i posted, because this all happened when i was talking to myself. i do that when im cycling and my ipod is dead/broken beyond repair. i plotted out prahns entire life in a strange accent. maybe thats prahns accent? but anyways, i was talking for at least two hours, and i cant write it all down now. i can say that i got some weird looks, though.

just got back from my bike ride, i made up lots more prahn stuff. and some ophili, who i havent written about on here yet. lets jsut say she will be the antagonist of whatever story im including her in, and she has some odd views. they make sense, but still. weirdo.

so, ophili. shes this great character, which just adds to my suspicions that i cant write- only design these beauteous characters. i dont mean to brag, but i really love ophili, oren, prahn, bet, beta, (sort of, shes only an infant) madelenne, misa, hyatt, chise, denoire, poppy, ella, norte, olivia (all off them- i have centered lots of stories around olivia. she always seems to be mourning.), issac, alina, gina (who lived for only moments), jared and every other other character who i cannot currently name because im either too sleepy or just dont remember them because they didnt stand out. i just adore ophili and bet, though. and since bet can only live through prahn, and i really love his pocket and his signs, he can stay as well. of course, oren and olivia are always going to be at the back of my mind. olivia staying strong through her terrible grief and oren pushing and egging me on.

one more thing... college. im really early for that type of thinking, but syracuse, cornell and brandice are on my mind. hmm...

kim posted this on her blog, i just have to reply.

dear basil,

Can you ever possibly fathom the emotional power you held over Strawberry for years? You were a cruel, heartless manpulator, and you held her heart on strings. But know that she was no marionette. She did, does feel. She never was yours to toy with, and you never deserved her affection, or even her partiality. She has eyes, and she could see the ridiculing sneers you cast in her direction. She has ears, and she could hear your snide remarks. What are your eyes but items of unjust judgement. They see only skin-deep; they are not capable of seeing what lies beneath. I know that with your miniscule brain and limited imagination you think I mean her organs, but I am speaking of the passionate and brilliant writer and thinker that lies beneath. Your heart pumps blood like everyone else's, but it lacks the spark that enables kindness and this foreign and alien concept that we call love. Your brain has placed you in a math class two grades more advanced than your own, but you only see things for what they very bluntly are, not what they could become. You think you're the greatest, smartest being on the face of the Earth, but you cannot think outside of the box. Hell, you're so in the box that you must've been born in a UPS store. Don't think unkindly of her if you ever do see this letter, which I doubt because I have no intention of ever giving it to you. These are my thoughts and opinions, and if you think that thhis gives you the right to loathe me as much as you abhor her, then go right ahead. But please, cut loose her puppet strings. Just let her go.

well, kim, im not basils biggest fan. but you must be as short sighted, arrogant, unfeeling and ignorant as you make him out to be if you actually believe this. basil is a feeling, thinking being as well and you just must know that he doesnt give a damn about her. he wasnt tethering her like a puppet as you make him out to be, he was in no way her puppeteer. she liked him an awful lot, and remember it was you that ended up telling him of her affections. but her liking him was sleepys own fault, maybe you should try blaming her for all of this. how could he see past her face and friends if she was too infatuated to approach him? he couldnt get to know her, and if his friends laughed at her then how could he not? you know what peer pressure is and what it does, and he more than most has a reputation to hold up. the class clown that he is has to entertain everyone, and what better way then through the seemingly love struck outcast of a girl who would do anything to please him? basil, let me say what you did was wrong. but kim, you are not any more blameless than him, or me. as i recall, you have hurt her a lot more than him. do you think your teasing is just friendly banter to her? i know for a fact that simple jokes like yours and mine can burn for days, years, a lifetime. i remember when i was hated by everyone around me, and it hurt. i know im not blameless. i resent that. but again, we all have our reputations however small. im going to start fresh next year, and maybe basil is too. but i hope for your sake you recognize how wrong you are, and i hope also that this was for your reputation, because my first friend after two full years of spite and lonely hate wasnt such a cowardly judge.

sleepy: i know your new hate for basil is real, and you can blame me for everything ive done and every hypocritical thing ive just said, but i cant tell if your approval of kims letter is because you actually believe shes right, or because you are so blinded by her sudden support, or just the fact that she called you smart for once. but let me assure you that that coward is wrong to blame him for so much. yes, he hurt you. yes, he was cruel to you. but so is she, and one letter cant change the fact that he deserves a voice as much as heather and sara do. those girls you hate so much that are probably aching for a friend. i may not like them, but i can at least guarantee that they have me as a friend, which you and kim so blatantly refuse to give them. i doubt either of you have ever been really hated by so many people, especially you, kim. i truly hope that sleepy, kim and basil read this. i may be an outcast yet again, but i know that if you all hate me, i can join heather and sara, who are truly nice and caring girls. hey, maybe dana and nat will support me as well. they, at least, i can call my friends.

one last thing, kim: yes, basil isnt that creative, but incapable of love? the thing that makes us us? im guessing you havent seen his devotion to paula, who treats him the way he treats sleepy. paula is a very nice girl, but i dont see you writing hate letters to her or feeling sorry for basil.

this is the very last thing, addressed to everyone: dont call me a cowardly hypocrite, i already know i am.

not a lick...

...of reflecting on the last 3 years. should i be? sleepy is. im not sad, either. maybe im broken.

...of writing this weekend. i said i would, so of course there was no chance of it. shocking, right?

im going to go crack down, and try to figure out some of what i want in the story i was mumbling about last time i blogged. i like the basic idea, of course, but i need to really think about whats going to happen. i want to squeeze in this great character i came up with, prahn, but im not sure if i can. hes an assistant to the main antagonist, and completely insane. not bellatrix insane, more of a man who lost his marbles somewhere along the way. he watched his love die/killed her. her death was ordered by his employer the main antagonist, and he never got over it. as children he was completely alone and on the streets, and she was a mute neglected by her parents. the stuck together as outcasts, and made a life together. after her death, he would always keep one hand in his pocket- signing her name again and again. (she couldnt speak, so they made up a sign language together that no one else knew. he kept a picture of her with him, and he was signing to the picture.) a heart wrenching tale of undying love, right? theres a lot more to both of them, but ill save it. i think i named her bet, i know it started with a b.

im not sure i can include him. maybe he should have his own story? maybe i can give the 'mute lovers death drove him insane' role to someone else. it might fit better, because i have no idea who the antagonist that employs him is. he could be the main antagonist of the killed her sister story, conviced that they (sister and killer) murdered bet. who knows, if i think i can use him once i start writing again, hell be there.

i want a purpose. im going to go write again.