third post, and counting.

yes, this is my third post today. but, i have news on the leo front. i just spent an amazing hour at our rabbis house, just hanging out with leo, his brother, my sister, and the rabbis adorable children. i spent almost the entire time pushing the older one on his swings, and bonding with leo. he wasnt so serious and shy tonight, which was good. methinks i talk to much about him, but it really was a wonderful evening.

and the much more relevant news on my story: im not sure whether to keep it in my notebook, or type up what i have. i think ill keep in in my book, but i do have all the other failed projects on my laptop... maybe ill break both cycles. worth a shot. i will need to number the pages, though. theres no way i could ever in a million years manage to write it in order. i also got some good tips from kristin cashore, author extraordinare. her website has become my only feedback on my writing, which is probably not the best thing seeing as i cant actually contact her.

back to the whole leo thing... ha! bonding! take that, kim!

yes, i know i just posted.

well, i was bored. so i viewed my profile and clicked on the name of one of my favorite books, to see who else liked it. not only did i find a blog that is updated relatively often, but by an author my age who likes reading a lot of the same books i do. this is shockingly surprisingly amazing good luck. i commented on his newest post, and i really hope he either responds to it, or looks at my blog. if he is looking at my blog, and reading this particular post, than thank you for looking at my blog.

oh, and something i was too upset to write about on my post of 2 hours ago: i found a great new idea. i have characters, a full plot, and some good writing done already. this is really exciting me. i thought of this when i was feeling sorry for myself and my awful writing yesterday, and i remembered one of my first ideas. what if myths were true? about 10 days after i decided to write my book about all myths being true, i read the alchemist by michael scott. way to steal all my hopes and dreams, scott. and so yesterday, while thinking about that, something dawned on me. why not bring my own myth to life? make a far off and distant land. give them a myth of their own. make it real.

so, there is a land, and in the capitol city they know this myth is real, but the farther you get from that city, the less people believe in it, or even know about it. so, in a tiny village cut off from the rest of their world, a mythical being is born. i already have the myth, and almost everything else. i had a map, but one of my teachers caught me reviewing it in class and took it. that wasnt the smartest idea on my behalf, but we were watching a film about gerda wiessman klein that i had already seen twice in hebrew school. but, the point is that i might actually be able to finish this one without my depression wearing in and making me throw it away.

letter to kim, somewhat.

leo came to dinner last night, with his family. our parents are good friends, so i see him a lot outside of school. and like always, he practically ignores me during school and then is friendly and open when hes at my house. we played some games with our little siblings, and ran around while brina sat inside with the adults, as usual. everything was fun, but the two times we were alone were brief and we were both silent. it was sad.

but leo being shy and quiet is to be expected. not a big problem. a real problem is that kim asked one of our friends to ask leo if he was going to ask her to the dance without telling him she had asked, and he said maybe. apparently he ignored her for the rest of the day. so... is he extra shy because he likes her, because he was embarrassed he was asked that, scared she would know he was asked that, or something totally different. oh, and kim also thinks that they are soul mates, and that i only have a crush on him. well, kim, i have news for you. when i asked who you liked in 6th grade, i suspected frenchy or max. i really did. but then you said it was him... it was like you had punched me. you wrote it down, and handed me the paper, and i read it over and over again. i really, really hoped you werent serious and you were teasing me because you had discovered that after all, i did like someone. and that it was him. well, kimberly, it hurt to read that. i ached inside. i first met leo years and years ago. i dont even know the right word to describe how i feel about him. when he dropped plastic trains on my head in kindergarten, i was in pain, but i was elated that he had noticed me. whenever i wrote about him in my 'diary', i used the code name trains in case my parents ever found it. i hoped forever that he would not be shy around me. that he would notice me. and then, of course, you came along.

kim, you were my second ever friend who wasnt jewish. you were my first friend in middle school, where i was forever dreading that the shame and dread and every other damn thing i had to endure after private school was coming back to haunt me. i was scared, and you were my friend. for most of 6th grade, you and ruth were the only people i liked at all. and then i read what you wrote, and it was like a betrayal. i dont want you to read this, kim. i dont want to upset you, hurt you, offend you. but i hate your feelings for him. i hate you for your feelings. can you explain that? you are one of my closest friends, but i cant hold back this feeling that i need to beat you at everything. youre smarter, stronger, prettier, and you are going to get leo. you are a better person. but i hate you for everything you are. im so sorry, kim. sorry i cant tell you how i feel about anything. sorry ive... felt this way about leo forever. sorry you had to come into the picture. but kim, i honestly cannot forgive you. and im sorry for that, too. im glad it is memorial weekend, because i cannot face you for at least a week. and oh crap, i just remembered that you two are going on the music trip to hershey park together. now i need to go distract myself, because i am so terribly sorry about everything.

some folks may be a little bit smarter than i am. bigger and stronger, too.

i just watched toy story for the first time in ages! the best disney movie, by far. finding nemo and the beauty and the beast are great, also. i havent been working on my story at all, but i did have an idea on how to write it that will work for anything and everything i write. i dont have much to say, today was pretty good. ruth and i had a chat about agoraphobia (look it up) vs. anatidaephobia, which is the fear that somewhere there is a duck. and it is watching you. i feel really bad for the people who have this. its got to be horrible, being that paranoid. of course, there are wax people prowling the school, hunting me down....

i really need to start working on my string. i only have 28 days to do all four, and im kind of slacking. ive got too much crap right now. at least schools winding down, finally.

oh, and stalker boy screamed at me for being a liar during gym. it was pretty funny, actually. three people told him that covering the ball in field hockey is illegal, and he points at me only. i smirked a little, and he just glared at me. im pretty shocked that he still hasnt just dropped it, but he stares at me on a regular basis. but, i really dont have anything to say. gym was funny, school was boring, and the AC was off in half the school on the one day we need it. figures. ttfn, bloggie.

hello world.

today was very, very boring. except for LA, where we got a chance to start this extra credit activity. it dosent tie into what were learning at all, but mrs. dosent usually make any sense. we have to write a short story stemming from a prompt about what we would pack if we had to flee the country with only one small carry on sized bag. i wrote about useful things, like nonperishable foods and warm clothes. the prompt did say we had to flee on foot and not be spotted, so that works, i guess. i also threw in this little shell that i have- a gift from ilana- that reminds me of her and e. seeing as they are the only people i can open up to at all...

and i did some very very minor story development. very minor, so i wont bother mentioning it. just some character stuff. names. i didnt even write it down.

i also went rock climbing, it was womens night at the place so me and lolo got in half price. it was awesome, even though i discovered my nemesis. it is a Caribeaner. i dont think that is spelled right, and i think they can also be called lobster claws. it was a defect, and it bothered me. we talked a lot, about fun stuff. im done writing. so, ttfn, bloggie!

livejournal woes.

i just tested livejournal, to see if it is any good. you cant even tab. seriously, livejournal? there is no way i could ever survive there, so im now devoting all my blogging powers to this blog right here, and to getting followers. i would like to know there is someone out there who cares.

now, story updates: i thought of another greatly possible nom de plume, maddy bowright. and ive decided i want to write something for teens and adults alike, and something i can relate to this time. a young girl who is family-less. her best friend has a large, loving family and she cant take it anymore. she cracks, and someone enters her life to help her fix things and bring together a new life for her, this time with love instead of bitter hate. her friend needs to tie in somehow, and i need more plot and character development. hmm...

i miss camp. only 30 days, but i just cant stand it. i really need a break from all this shit that they call my life. ughh. and speaking of horribly depressing subjects...

suicide. im going to be frank about this, yesterday i became... overly curious about what happens after. nothing actually happened, but there was this surging feeling that i needed to know what would happen to me. i want control over my life, and that is one way to attain it, sort of. it was scary. im not scared of death, in anyway. i would jump in front of a gun to save just about anyone, because i know most people dont want to die. i mean, i dont want to die, but its going to happen. we all have to face it eventually, and im not bothered by that. it will happen, and i dont want to die on life support totally alone at age ninety, or make someone i love choose to pull the plug. i dont want hospice, or tons of doctors trying tirelessly. just death, and to be remembered.

lets get off that topic. im tired. so, so tired. i feel like im melting away into the oblivion of the empty surrounding me, my heart. my poor dearest heart. thak you, heart, for carrying this burden. i am eternally in your debt.

kill me now. right. now.

i am so incredibly screwed. i posted my last post on the blog reserved for my school friends. here is what i posted there:

i have a new book to add to my top 20. its verdi, by janell cannon. she also wrote the better known stellaluna. verdi is about a little yellow snake who dosent want to be a big boring green snake. the illustrations are beautiful. and there are good messages in it. like pay attention to whats around you, appreciate everyone, be patient... and dont launch yourself out of trees. thats a good lesson, no?

but anyways... i think im going to give up on fish. to much planning, not enough writing. i know that planning is good... but i need one page for writing. and nothing else to interupt me. maybe ill unplug the router for a day... that would drive my mum crazy, but i would get some writing in. i do have another story idea. i need to change it because it sounds like the hunger games and has very little plot, but ive got some decent characters this time. three mothers, one devoted one traumatized and one superfluous. but they arent the focal point, just some backround people. the devoted mother is very important, her name is elle. but the main focus is on another character, ava, and elles son norte. theres some execution stuff, also. and avas mother is shot.

but anyways. who needs details when youve got an awesome map? i drew this detailed map of their home, and it looks good. i dont have anything else to say here, besides tomorrow i get to meet up with ilana, my bestest camp friend eva!

ttfn, bloggies!

crap. this is horrible. what they know about me is that i 'dont' write, but i read over ruthy's stuff, and edit it. and i just gave them my newest idea. shit.

ah well, at least it wasnt the post about how i hate them all.

well, i dont hate them. not at all. but, like the rest of my horrid life, it is all false. im false in front of my mum, my 'friends', and every other person in the world. crap-o.

so, now what i was planning on saying when i logged on today:

First, my thoughts. I could feel every tear running down my face. I can’t describe the horror of having to talk about everything. She didn’t let me leave. But the tears ran freely.

When I was there, I felt this… this thing. I can’t describe it. But I could feel that there was love between them, and it was so open, so beautiful. They loved each other. They do still. And, for a brief moment, I remembered what it was like to have a place where there is love. A place where you can be happy, and be taken care of by those who love each other. I have never had that, really. There have been illusions. Camp, their home. Shul. Mainly camp. There is just an aura of ‘we love each other’. It sounds cheesy, but it’s there. I know it.

That is what I felt with Ilana. It was beautiful, and wonderful. I want to have that. I would give anything- everything. Just to have that. I hate this trapped feeling. I can’t escape it.

When I was sitting there. Just sitting there. I felt this surge of love to Ilana, coming from her mother. I felt a sharp pain in my chest, and then empty. I could feel the hole beating, pumping like a heart. But it was empty. I cried, because I knew what would fill that hole was right in front of me. I wanted what they had. I wanted someone to be caring towards me. Forever.

I had forgotten what family meant, and I know that buried in the deepest folds of my subconscious that I will never, ever have what they have. But I will have something, oh yes. I will have myself, balled up and hidden alongside my secret knowledge. I will never be accepted into another’s family, and I will never have the pure willpower to create my own. I will live, die, sleep. Alone. I will always be alone.

lovely, isnt it? i wrote that on word just before i logged on. i spent the weekend at ilanas house, came home, and had a nice long chat with my mum about my depression. i had to, and then i had to go back and rewrite it so that it would be legible. i wrote it while sobbing hysterically.

so, now i will talk about right now. ruthy i think is the only one that read the other entry before i deleted it. i hope so. she actually approached me and asked about it, i told her i had no idea what she was talking about. i thought i had put it on this blog, and she would be mighty pissed if she had found this one, so i forgot about it. until now, when i checked that blog.

but, im not going to carry out the idea i was posting about then. while i came up with some awesome names, that isnt enough. im going to write something containing ava, a young girl who has no one but this one friend, who has a loving family. i think the friend will be poppy. and it will be written by mira ann dowe herself! yes, mira will imerge from the depths of me and rise to be the writer she can become! i have faith in you, mira. you can do this if you set your mind to it.

mira, by the way, im putting my life in your hands. do the right thing and write a book.