i wrote this all a while ago.

She won’t leave me alone. I show her that I hate her, that I won’t ever love her. But she just. Wont. Go.

I am trapped inside a never ending circle of death. All people die, and it is not a sad thing, but when you yourself are dying every day and every hour and every second of every moment, it is truly sad. Some people do not realize this, or can’t comprehend. The person who thought, erased, edited, changed is gone. She spent her entire life on that one word, of that one moment in time, trapped forever by this page. How simple, some might think, to click the little x and watch the lives of hundreds of people be forever erased. How hopelessly complex, terribly sad. I remember the girl who made the mistakes, and the girl who fixed them. They were in the same bed in the same position under these same sheets. It will never be me who paused, never me who had those great ideas. I envy those who have a mindset different from mine. Those who aren’t just them, but have names, and a purpose, and never realize that for the trillions and trillions of deaths that they have, only one is noticed by anyone other than me. How cruel, that I must be the one to notice them, watch them die, and remember every detail of it. Yet there is no escape. If I was to put an end to it, to have my final death, the last one and to some the only one, there would be no escape. I would be nothing, and that is so much worse than to die. The one thing that stops me from cutting my own throat is the thought of nothing. So immeasurably upsetting that it will make me lower my knife. I live through these thoughts, and so did Mira, who dies always.

Tears are the cleanser of the mind. Cry to block all else out, watch another cry to dispose of your anger.