kill me now. right. now.

i am so incredibly screwed. i posted my last post on the blog reserved for my school friends. here is what i posted there:

i have a new book to add to my top 20. its verdi, by janell cannon. she also wrote the better known stellaluna. verdi is about a little yellow snake who dosent want to be a big boring green snake. the illustrations are beautiful. and there are good messages in it. like pay attention to whats around you, appreciate everyone, be patient... and dont launch yourself out of trees. thats a good lesson, no?

but anyways... i think im going to give up on fish. to much planning, not enough writing. i know that planning is good... but i need one page for writing. and nothing else to interupt me. maybe ill unplug the router for a day... that would drive my mum crazy, but i would get some writing in. i do have another story idea. i need to change it because it sounds like the hunger games and has very little plot, but ive got some decent characters this time. three mothers, one devoted one traumatized and one superfluous. but they arent the focal point, just some backround people. the devoted mother is very important, her name is elle. but the main focus is on another character, ava, and elles son norte. theres some execution stuff, also. and avas mother is shot.

but anyways. who needs details when youve got an awesome map? i drew this detailed map of their home, and it looks good. i dont have anything else to say here, besides tomorrow i get to meet up with ilana, my bestest camp friend eva!

ttfn, bloggies!

crap. this is horrible. what they know about me is that i 'dont' write, but i read over ruthy's stuff, and edit it. and i just gave them my newest idea. shit.

ah well, at least it wasnt the post about how i hate them all.

well, i dont hate them. not at all. but, like the rest of my horrid life, it is all false. im false in front of my mum, my 'friends', and every other person in the world. crap-o.

so, now what i was planning on saying when i logged on today:

First, my thoughts. I could feel every tear running down my face. I can’t describe the horror of having to talk about everything. She didn’t let me leave. But the tears ran freely.

When I was there, I felt this… this thing. I can’t describe it. But I could feel that there was love between them, and it was so open, so beautiful. They loved each other. They do still. And, for a brief moment, I remembered what it was like to have a place where there is love. A place where you can be happy, and be taken care of by those who love each other. I have never had that, really. There have been illusions. Camp, their home. Shul. Mainly camp. There is just an aura of ‘we love each other’. It sounds cheesy, but it’s there. I know it.

That is what I felt with Ilana. It was beautiful, and wonderful. I want to have that. I would give anything- everything. Just to have that. I hate this trapped feeling. I can’t escape it.

When I was sitting there. Just sitting there. I felt this surge of love to Ilana, coming from her mother. I felt a sharp pain in my chest, and then empty. I could feel the hole beating, pumping like a heart. But it was empty. I cried, because I knew what would fill that hole was right in front of me. I wanted what they had. I wanted someone to be caring towards me. Forever.

I had forgotten what family meant, and I know that buried in the deepest folds of my subconscious that I will never, ever have what they have. But I will have something, oh yes. I will have myself, balled up and hidden alongside my secret knowledge. I will never be accepted into another’s family, and I will never have the pure willpower to create my own. I will live, die, sleep. Alone. I will always be alone.

lovely, isnt it? i wrote that on word just before i logged on. i spent the weekend at ilanas house, came home, and had a nice long chat with my mum about my depression. i had to, and then i had to go back and rewrite it so that it would be legible. i wrote it while sobbing hysterically.

so, now i will talk about right now. ruthy i think is the only one that read the other entry before i deleted it. i hope so. she actually approached me and asked about it, i told her i had no idea what she was talking about. i thought i had put it on this blog, and she would be mighty pissed if she had found this one, so i forgot about it. until now, when i checked that blog.

but, im not going to carry out the idea i was posting about then. while i came up with some awesome names, that isnt enough. im going to write something containing ava, a young girl who has no one but this one friend, who has a loving family. i think the friend will be poppy. and it will be written by mira ann dowe herself! yes, mira will imerge from the depths of me and rise to be the writer she can become! i have faith in you, mira. you can do this if you set your mind to it.

mira, by the way, im putting my life in your hands. do the right thing and write a book.