livejournal woes.

i just tested livejournal, to see if it is any good. you cant even tab. seriously, livejournal? there is no way i could ever survive there, so im now devoting all my blogging powers to this blog right here, and to getting followers. i would like to know there is someone out there who cares.

now, story updates: i thought of another greatly possible nom de plume, maddy bowright. and ive decided i want to write something for teens and adults alike, and something i can relate to this time. a young girl who is family-less. her best friend has a large, loving family and she cant take it anymore. she cracks, and someone enters her life to help her fix things and bring together a new life for her, this time with love instead of bitter hate. her friend needs to tie in somehow, and i need more plot and character development. hmm...

i miss camp. only 30 days, but i just cant stand it. i really need a break from all this shit that they call my life. ughh. and speaking of horribly depressing subjects...

suicide. im going to be frank about this, yesterday i became... overly curious about what happens after. nothing actually happened, but there was this surging feeling that i needed to know what would happen to me. i want control over my life, and that is one way to attain it, sort of. it was scary. im not scared of death, in anyway. i would jump in front of a gun to save just about anyone, because i know most people dont want to die. i mean, i dont want to die, but its going to happen. we all have to face it eventually, and im not bothered by that. it will happen, and i dont want to die on life support totally alone at age ninety, or make someone i love choose to pull the plug. i dont want hospice, or tons of doctors trying tirelessly. just death, and to be remembered.

lets get off that topic. im tired. so, so tired. i feel like im melting away into the oblivion of the empty surrounding me, my heart. my poor dearest heart. thak you, heart, for carrying this burden. i am eternally in your debt.