letter to kim, somewhat.

leo came to dinner last night, with his family. our parents are good friends, so i see him a lot outside of school. and like always, he practically ignores me during school and then is friendly and open when hes at my house. we played some games with our little siblings, and ran around while brina sat inside with the adults, as usual. everything was fun, but the two times we were alone were brief and we were both silent. it was sad.

but leo being shy and quiet is to be expected. not a big problem. a real problem is that kim asked one of our friends to ask leo if he was going to ask her to the dance without telling him she had asked, and he said maybe. apparently he ignored her for the rest of the day. so... is he extra shy because he likes her, because he was embarrassed he was asked that, scared she would know he was asked that, or something totally different. oh, and kim also thinks that they are soul mates, and that i only have a crush on him. well, kim, i have news for you. when i asked who you liked in 6th grade, i suspected frenchy or max. i really did. but then you said it was him... it was like you had punched me. you wrote it down, and handed me the paper, and i read it over and over again. i really, really hoped you werent serious and you were teasing me because you had discovered that after all, i did like someone. and that it was him. well, kimberly, it hurt to read that. i ached inside. i first met leo years and years ago. i dont even know the right word to describe how i feel about him. when he dropped plastic trains on my head in kindergarten, i was in pain, but i was elated that he had noticed me. whenever i wrote about him in my 'diary', i used the code name trains in case my parents ever found it. i hoped forever that he would not be shy around me. that he would notice me. and then, of course, you came along.

kim, you were my second ever friend who wasnt jewish. you were my first friend in middle school, where i was forever dreading that the shame and dread and every other damn thing i had to endure after private school was coming back to haunt me. i was scared, and you were my friend. for most of 6th grade, you and ruth were the only people i liked at all. and then i read what you wrote, and it was like a betrayal. i dont want you to read this, kim. i dont want to upset you, hurt you, offend you. but i hate your feelings for him. i hate you for your feelings. can you explain that? you are one of my closest friends, but i cant hold back this feeling that i need to beat you at everything. youre smarter, stronger, prettier, and you are going to get leo. you are a better person. but i hate you for everything you are. im so sorry, kim. sorry i cant tell you how i feel about anything. sorry ive... felt this way about leo forever. sorry you had to come into the picture. but kim, i honestly cannot forgive you. and im sorry for that, too. im glad it is memorial weekend, because i cannot face you for at least a week. and oh crap, i just remembered that you two are going on the music trip to hershey park together. now i need to go distract myself, because i am so terribly sorry about everything.